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Overview (SUNY at
Buffalo)
Date rape and acquaintance rape are forms of sexual
assault involving coercive sexual activities
perpetrated by an acquaintance of the rape survivor.
The perpetrator is almost always a man, and though
both men and women can be raped, women are most often
the targets of this violence. It is difficult, because
of a lack of research on the subject and the tendency
for rape survivors not to report attacks, to come up
with precise statistics on male survivors. However,
men are raped by other men and are also victims of
sexual violence. Date and acquaintance rape can happen
to or be perpetrated by anyone. Incidences are very
high: they comprise from fifty to seventy-five percent
of all reported rapes. However, even these figures are
not reliable. According to conservative FBI
statistics, only three and a half to ten percent of
all forms of rape are even reported.
Date and acquaintance rape is quite prevalent on
campuses. One in four college women has been raped;
that is, has been forced, physically or verbally,
actively or implicitly, to engage in sexual activity.
A 1985 study revealed that ninety percent of college
rape survivors knew their attacker before the
incident. Another survey found that one in fifteen
college men admitted to having forced a woman into
sex.
Some experts believe that one explanation for such
high statistics is that young people, constrained for
most of their lives by their parents and laws, are
unprepared to act responsibly in a "free" environment.
This "freedom" can lead to unrestrained drug and
alcohol use, which then leads to sexually
irresponsible acts, and then to rape. Another theory
portrays America, especially young America, as a rape
culture. The values adopted by the dominant society
dictate inherent differences between men and women.
Women are expected to be passive, unassertive, and
dependent. Similarly, men are constrained in their
behavior. They are taught to be aggressive, even
intimidating, strong, and relentless. They are taught
not to take no for an answer. Men who accept or
unwittingly exhibit this kind of behavior are likely
to misinterpret a woman's communications. Typically,
the man will decide that the woman is acting coy or
hard to get in a sexual situation. He may believe that
she really means yes, although she has been saying no.
Communication is the most important avenue to
understanding another person's desires and needs --
often the rapist will ignore the woman's attempts at
communication, will misinterpret them and continue his
actions, or will realize what the woman is trying to
say but will decide that she "really needs to get
laid" and doesn't care. The bottom line is that yes
means yes and no means no.
If a person says no and is still coerced or forced
into having sex, then a rape has occurred.
Many times women or men who have been date- or
acquaintance-raped do not view the assault as a rape.
They may experience some or all of the symptoms of
rape trauma stemming from the violation of the body
and the betrayal of a friend, but still may not
consider the incident rape. Some symptoms of rape
trauma include sleep disturbances, eating pattern
disturbances, mood swings, feelings of humiliation and
self-blame, nightmares, anger, fear of sex, and
difficulty in trusting others. Often, especially in a
college situation, the rape survivor and the attacker
live near each other or may see each other every day.
This can be particularly stressful to the survivor
because the man may see the rape as a conquest or
"just a mistake." Bystanders and friends of both
people may not view the incident as the rape it is and
consequently will not lend the survivor the support
needed. Friends of the survivor may misinterpret the
incident and feel that somehow the rape was deserved
or that the survivor "asked for it" by wearing a
miniskirt or getting drunk. Some people may belittle
the survivor's traumatic experience, saying things
such as, "She liked the guy anyway, so what's the big
deal?" These attitudes that blame the survivor, some
say, are embedded in our culture and help to
perpetuate violence against women and sexual violence
such as date and acquaintance rape. Survivors, living
and learning in this culture, may also accept
"explanations" of "why it isn't rape," although they
have been inwardly traumatized. The important thing to
remember is that if there are feelings of violation,
if a person's lifestyle and self-esteem are negatively
affected by the incident, or survivors believe they
have been raped, then it is rape.
Date and acquaintance rape is not only a woman's
issue. Men must be actively aware of this issue, as
they can help minimize rape by educating themselves
and others. Lovers, neighbors, friends, co-workers,
dates, and classmates -- these can all be perpetrators
of date and acquaintance rape. Escort services, blue
light phones, and van services are useless if the
rapist lives in your home or dorm, is your date,
drives you home from work, or is someone you have had
reason to trust. In order for date and acquaintance
rape to be minimized, men must stop "blaming the
victim" and start taking responsibility for their own
actions.
We all must not allow rapists to use the "rape
culture" as a means of silencing rape survivors, nor
can we permit their friends to lie for them. And
although it is always difficult, and admittedly,
sometimes impossible to do, rape survivors and others
must speak out and continue to speak out against rape.
There are many organizations which are designed
especially to support rape survivors, give referrals,
and talk about concerns they may have. All services
are confidential.
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Date Rape Prevention - SUNY at Buffalo
- Date or acquaintance rape means being forced or
pressured into having sex by someone you know--against
your will, without your consent.
- Know that it could happen to you: studies at colleges
indicate that between ten to 25 percent of women
report they were raped by men they knew.
- Be assertive in setting boundaries for relationships.
Even casual unwanted contact should be firmly
discouraged. It is easier to fight off a big attack if
you've practiced on smaller intrusions.
- Judge a person by his behavior, not his race, looks,
socio-economic status, or even his relationship to
you. Watch out for someone who:
- gets hostile when you say "no"
- ignores your wishes, opinions, ideas
- attempts to make you feel guilty or accuse you of
being
uptight if you say "no" to sex
- acts excessively jealous or possessive; keeps tabs on
your whereabouts
- displays destructive anger and aggression
- Define your limits, i.e., how much touch you want with
different male friends (handshake, kiss on cheek, kiss
on mouth, hug with both arms, intercourse, no touch).
Think about this in advance, even though you can
change your mind later.
- Defend your limits: "I don't like it when you do
that"; "I like you and I don't want to go to bed with
you"; "Let's go to the coffeehouse (instead of parking
somewhere) You have the right to be respected, to
change your mind, to say "no" or just say, "Because I
don't want to." Practice saying "no" clearly --don't
hint, don't expect anyone to read your mind.
- Be prepared for his reaction to your defending your
limits. Possible reactions include hostility,
embarrassment, blaming you for leading him on. You are
not responsible for his behavior or his reaction; if
he is someone you care about, you may wish to help him
through the embarrassment, but you do not need to feel
responsible. You have every right to your own
decisions.
- Be aware of situations when you do not feel relaxed
and in charge. Stereotypes of passivity, coyness, and
submissiveness can contribute to a climate for male
aggression -- which is his stereotype.
- Communicate clearly! Say "no" when you mean no; "yes"
when you mean yes; stay in touch with your feelings to
know the difference.
- Believe and act as if you come first, without
exploiting others. Treat yourself and others with
respect.
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Things to Try When
Confronted with Acquaintance Rape (SUNY at Buffalo)
STAY CALM.
Turn the inner voice into a strong voice. TRUST YOUR
FEELINGS.
Appraise your situation, then ACT QUICKLY. Evaluate
how much danger you're in, and act accordingly as soon
as possible.
Try to GET AWAY.
YELL FOR HELP.
When necessary, ACT FORCEFULLY. Realize that your
fighting back might also cause him to become violent.
BUY TIME WITH TALK. Stall him with conversation.
Flatter him. When he thinks he no longer needs to use
force, he may ease up on his guard. That's a good time
to make a break for the door.
DESTROY HIS IDEA OF A "SEDUCTION." Tell him that you
have a sexually transmitted disease, have your period,
you're pregnant. Do physical things to turn him off:
urinate on the floor, pick your nose, belch, pass gas,
vomit.
REMEMBER THAT GIVING IN IS NOT CONSENT!!!!
Giving in is not something to be ashamed of. He may
threaten you. He may be physically violent. He may
terrify you so that you cannot respond effectively.
Going along with him may be the only smart thing to
do. Giving in may be a survival strategy.
Do not berate yourself that you "let" him rape you. A
rape-threatening situation is also a life-threatening
situation. Your only responsibility as a victim is to
yourself. You do not need to sustain injury or death
to "prove" you were raped. Stay alive.
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How to Help a Friend Who Has Been Sexually Assaulted
(University of Oregon)
Sexual assault is unwanted contact or touch of a
sexual nature. Rape is forced vaginal or anal
intercourse. Rape by instrumentation is vaginal or
anal penetration with an object. Rape and sexual
assault can be committed by anyone -- a stranger, a
date, an acquaintance or even a friend. Assaults
happened to both women and men.
Sexual assault and rape are violent crimes. Neither is
motivated by sex or sexual desire; rather they are
motivated by anger and aggression. Sexual assault is
not uncontrolled passion - it is a hostile attack, an
attempt to hurt, dominate and humiliate the victim.
If someone you know has been assaulted or raped you
can help them in the following ways.
IF THE ASSAULT JUST OCCURRED
- Make sure they are safe.
- Help them get the medical attention they need.
- Offer to be with them or call someone they want to
stay with them
- Offer to call the police to report the rape. Reporting
the assault does not mean you must prosecute, but it
will ensure the availability of that option in the
future, should the survivor so decide.
- Offer to call for rape advocate services. This will
allow an objective, supportive person to assist her in
dealing with the immediate issues of the trauma.
AT ANY TIME - IMMEDIATELY AFTER OR MUCH LATER
- As a friend, it is important that you LISTEN to what
the survivor tells you. Sometimes assault victims need
to talk about the attack.
- Allow the survivor the freedom to choose when, where
and how to talk about the trauma.
- Be supportive: BELIEVE the survivor. People rarely
make up stories about being sexual assault survivors.
Reinforce that the survivor is not to blame. Avoid
using words that imply blame.
- Be sensitive: Let the person know that you do not
subscribe to any of the common myths about sexual
assault. Understand that the person has suffered
extreme humiliation. Let them know that you do not see
them as defiled or immoral.
- Be patient. Recovery from rape trauma is slow. Let the
person proceed at their own pace.
- Realize that you have strong feelings about the
trauma. If needed, seek counseling for yourself. Avoid
communicating your biases and negative emotions to the
survivor.
- Remember that whatever the rape victim did to survive
the attack was exactly what he or she needed to do.
The victim did not cause the attack and is not at
fault.
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